I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
