I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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