i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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