cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
