im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
