currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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