2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I want to have your abortion
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
