Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
