How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize