The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
