I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
