apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
