I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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