Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
