My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
