I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
