I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
