Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
