omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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