i think i have two assholes
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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