I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
