i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
