I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize