You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
