So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
