Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's not cheating when I paid for it
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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