Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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