ya dads aren't the best wingmen
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
