Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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