you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
