he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
