So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize