My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
