Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
