Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
