hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
