Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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