Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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