Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I think your dad took our porno
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
