The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
