Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize