They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
