She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
