Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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