Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
