I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Drunk is a universal language darling
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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