she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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