I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize