worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
