my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
