rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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