I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
