I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
