I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
