omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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